I remember when I was just about twenty-nine and deciding to fully come out of the closet. Growing up in Los Angeles, any nubile gay man thinks to go into our local "boys town" - West Hollywood. It was not a welcoming experience for me as I felt left out of the Caucasian inner-circle. The lack of interaction left me questioning myself until I found my tribe in Silverlake - a community filled with older men who were mutually attractive and welcoming of someone who was just beginning their journey into authenticity.
A Healthy Community
Dr. Don Kilhefner is a cherished member of the LGBTQ+ community here in Los Angeles, California. He is a fellow psychotherapist and was one of the original founders of the LGBT Center here in Hollywood. I got to interview him for my grad school thesis. Needless to say, I was left dumbfounded by the wisdom and insight of a man many hold dear. He said something that has forever changed my relationship and understanding of the relational dynamics within the gay community. He said that for a community to be healthy and to actually thrive it needs to have youth, adults, elders, and ancestors.
In his four-position framework, all the various characters need to interact with each other. The ancestors watch over the elders. The elders take care of the adults. The adults guide the youth and become the bridge for the youth and elders to connect. To build community for yourself, invite those who are younger than you and older than you into your life. Our ancestors are waiting. The wisdom of elders need not be lost. Adults who have already walked part of their authentic journey are necessary for the survival of our young. All four of these mantles that can be taken on are not necessarily based on age. A youth can be a 50-something just coming out of the closet. An elder does not need to be 80 years old to impart wisdom. Adults are anyone who have chosen to live with a consciousness towards the others within the community. In what kind of context are we raising our young, those still stepping away from the confines of the closet?
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